Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Departure from Schedule

My apologies! I interrupt your regularly scheduled Engineering Tuesday post with something pressing in my life.

My first/only boyfriend just got engaged.

For those of you who know me personally, be assured that there is nothing in the way of jealousy in this comment. I am very happy for Sean and Christine, and I think they will do very well together. I wish them all the best of luck in their journey together, and I am sure they will manage to be ridiculously happy. I have known Sean for nearly ten years now, and I know he loves Christine and is very happy to be with her. And he's also lucky to have her. She is a fantastic girl!

So - if I'm not jealous, why am I interrupting the schedule to post about this?

Because my first/only boyfriend just got engaged, and I still haven't had a boyfriend number two.

Sean and I dated during Freshman and Sophomore year of college. I then broke up with him. (It was very mutual - but I initiated it, so I get to say I broke up with him). Since then I've been on maybe two events I would call dates, but I have never actually "dated" anyone since Sean. (Those two dates were not with the same guy).

I'm not really looking for a guy. I'm not desperate by any means. It's just weird that Sean is getting married and I'm still single.

When I was young, I never imagined I would get married out of college. That idea did sort of sneak up on me when I was in college but I brushed it aside. I know that if I marry someone it will be on God's time and not mine.

But I've watched several of my good friends get married recently. And it hurts a little.

All these people are moving on in their lives. They're going on an adventure I can't participate in.

They're leaving me behind.

What will I do when all my friends are married? What will it be like when I'm the only one without a significant other? It means I'll only be able to hang out with my female friends on designated "girl's nights" or "Sci-fi nights" (depending on the girl). And forget hanging out with my guy friends alone ever again. Anyone will tell you that's not appropriate. So I had better be friends with their wives if I ever want to see them again.

In this bleak vision of my future, if I want to go to a movie, I'll probably have to go alone. If I do call up my married friend and ask, they'll probably say something like "Oh, I'm going to see that with my husband or kids..."

Good Lord! What will I do when my friends start having kids?

As I said earlier. It's not that I'm desperately seeking a guy or even want one right now. It's just that I don't like getting left behind. I don't like looking at a future where I have to attend movies by myself. Where I spend my birthday alone.

Because believe me, if all my friends get married, I will spend my birthday alone. Who would choose me over their spouse on Valentine's Day?

So on occasions like the engagement of my first/only boyfriend, I think I'm warranted this moment of self-doubt, this moment of looking at a bleak and desolate future where I am alone.

But I know that I have to trust God. And I have to have faith that my friends won't simply dump me when they get married. And I can't let this vision of the future overwhelm and blind me.

If I'm meant to get married, God will bring someone into my life. If not, God will give me the strength to be a single woman in this romantically paired world.

And I guess I'll always have my little sister. Plan B is always the two of us living together like Jane and Cassandra Austen. Old maids, having a grand time in the world together.

And that will be fun, as long as she learns to cook at some point. I'm not cooking for her for the rest of my life.

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