I am Loki, Part VI: Not Being a Super Villain

So for the past few weeks, longer than I originally intended, we've been talking about what I've learned from the story of Loki and Thor, as portrayed in the movie Thor. We've talked about how deeply the story touched me. We've talked about how easy it is to slip from being a good kid to a super villain. We explored the idea of Sisyphean Ambition and how it leads to the Dark Side. We've discussed how the prodigal son story has historically driven me insane. And we've discussed how the story of Loki and Thor relates to the story of the prodigal son.

And all of this has caused me to view the story of the prodigal son in a completely new light. Because whenever I thought of the prodigal's brother, whenever I thought about my own situation, all I could think was "it's unfair", and then my mind starts churning justifications, times when I've been hurt and neglected. And you know what, it's not fair. I have been hurt. I have been neglected. I have been wronged.

But churning, holding on, acting on those justifications when it can't change anything--because I can't earn equality in my family, it's a Sisyphean Ambition--that's leading me towards a path of villainy. It's leading me towards a path where I choose to go prodigal even though I know it will hurt people. 

And you know, people have tried to tell me this for years. They've tried to tell me the prodigal's brother's attitude is wrong, that bitterness eats you up from the inside, and will lead to your destruction. But I felt so justified and didn't listen to them.

My justifications aren't wrong. Loki's justifications of the unfairness of his life weren't wrong. Thor has been favored over him. Brawn is valued more than brain in Asgard. He will never get to be king or equal to Thor no matter how hard he works, because he's a frost giant. He is completely 100% right.

And it doesn't matter.

No, that's not right. It's not that it doesn't matter. It's that somehow I've got to choose to be better. Because if I don't, if I don't choose to change my path, I'm going to come back in The Avengers with an alien army and try to subjugate the world. 

I don't want to be a super villain. 

I have to choose not to be a super villain.

This seems a simple conclusion--choosing a different path--one I should have realized a long time ago. But in Christian circles we have a saying, where things go "from your head to your heart." This idea has been in my head all my life, but it was the movie Thor that moved it into my heart. 

Because my life isn't about them, my family. It's about me. Wait...that seems like a really selfish thought doesn't it? What I mean is that I can't change them. I can't make them treat me differently. But I can change me.

And it's not going to be easy. This revelation has been in my heart for a little while now and it's still been hard to enact. I've done things wrong. But that's why learning is a process, right? And God is working a process in all of us. It's rarely snap your fingers and everything is fixed.

So from now on, in dealing with my family, when something comes up and I feel my mind falling into the same old churn of justification, the same old churn where I remember all the times I've been overlooked for Thor--the prodigal, I will stop and ask myself, "What would Loki do?" 

And then I'll do the opposite.

Because I may deeply empathize with Loki, but I don't want to be him. I don't want to be Thor either. I want to be me. I want to be who Loki would have been if he hadn't sneaked frost giants into Asgard and tried to destroy Jotunheim. I want to be who God wants me to be, and that's not a person who holds onto bitterness and anger.

I can't change what's happened to me. I can't change how others will treat me. But I can change who I become. 

It's all about choice. 

And I choose not to be a super villain.

I am Loki, Part V: Loki and the Other Son

(Spoilers for Thor and the story of the Prodigal Son below. For the other parts of this series, click the appropriate post: Part I, Part II, Part III, the Story of the Prodigal Son, and Part IV.)

You may be wondering at this point how the movie Thor relates to the story of the prodigal son. I'll admit, it's not a perfect metaphor, but so few things are. The important thing is that it is the metaphor that made me understand the Biblical story.

Loki and Thor seem to have had a good childhood, as far as we can tell (well, other than an unneeded competition for the throne of Asgard). I think we can guesstimate that the prodigal son and brother had a good childhood. I mean their father is a metaphor for God, so I think that's a pretty safe assumption.

I think it's safe to say that all families have their sibling rivalries. Loki and Thor's is pretty obvious. They're vying for the throne. And I think it's safe to say the prodigal and his brother had their own rivalries--if the brother's response to his arrival is any clue.

My family is of course no different. Great childhood. Lots of sibling rivalry.

Then the prodigal leaves. In the story of the prodigal son, he demands his inheritance and storms out. In the story of Thor, Thor (our prodigal) demands his inheritance and is exiled.

Now we all know what happens to the prodigal when he leaves, whether he be Thor or the actual prodigal. The prodigal's story is well known. But no one knows what happens to the other brother during the time the prodigal is gone. All we know is that whatever happens causes him to resent the younger brother.

We do know what happened to Loki while Thor is gone. He discovers he's a frost giant and that's why he's always been different. He is given the responsibility of being king--though he never really expected that. And even though he is going through all of this--discovering he's a monster, being king--his mother worries about Thor. 

In one scene, Loki and his mother are having a conversation at the sickbed of Odin. They're talking about why they never told Loki he's a frost giant. His mother is trying to explain. Loki doesn't get it, and he's worried about his father, who seems so frail, so sick, so old. Loki loves his father and doesn't want him to die. And his mother tells him to never lose hope, not for his father or for Thor. And Loki responds:

"What hope is there for Thor?"

Oh, that question. That is not a question where Loki is condemning Thor. That is not a question of wishing the brother was gone. The emotion of the question is, "Why are we talking about this right now? We're supposed to be talking about me and the fact that I'm a frost giant and you never freakin' told me? Can we please get back to me?"

But of course he doesn't voice that. Because that would be selfish. And we're not supposed to be selfish, no matter how much we work just for our parents attention.

Oh that feeling. I know that feeling so well. In the past decade I would say that 75% of my conversations with my parents revolved around my older siblings. And to this day I have put it up with it with little complaint just so I could talk to my parents. Because that's the topic they cared about. And I just wanted to talk to them.

So Loki is at home without Thor, and he's enjoying as much as he can. This single child attention is all he ever really wanted, even if it is tainted with the occasional discussion about Thor.

And then the prodigal returns.

He claims to have changed. He claims he's different. And it doesn't matter that you've been working the fields at home or just saved your father's life (let's ignore the fact that you sent the frost giants in the first place). Your mother goes from mid-hug with you to flinging herself into Thor's arms. Leaving you just standing there.

Leaving you bitter.

And the story of the prodigal stops there, but the story of Loki goes on. Because Loki goes where I've always thought to go.

When you have a sibling go prodigal and you see all the attention that gets them--attention you want--you have this serious temptation to go prodigal yourself.

I can't explain to you the number of times I've seriously considered going prodigal, for a short while, so that I can get all that attention, worry, and concern to yourself. And then you can come back to open arms and a party.

I've considered it so many times. I've been deeply tempted. I've had entire discussions with my little sister about whether this would work or not. How it would work, but it would hurt our parents, and we're not callous enough to hurt them.

But Loki, Loki who has done everything for his parents, for his family, who has tried so hard to no avail, he does it.

He gives up. He let's go. He goes prodigal.

And it does get him attention. It works. His father goes to great lengths to send Thor to Earth in The Avengers in order to bring Loki home. His family loves him. And he's getting attention. What he always wanted.

But the cost is too great.

The cost is villainy.

And I don't want to be a villain.

Click here for the final installment, Part VI: Not Being a Super Villain.

Still a Slacker

So I really thought I was going to have time yesterday to write a post. But as it is, it's 11:20 PM Mountain Time, which is 7:20 PM here in Hawaii where I just flew in. And I'm buschwacked. Seriously, all I want to do is fall in bed and go to sleep. I can't even entice myself to watch the first episode of Season 2 of Sherlock even though I just watched all of Season 1 on the plane and am newly addicted--and what about that cliff hanger?

And now my sentences aren't making sense.

So no real post today. I apologize.

I'm really trying to hold true to this Tuesday/Thursday posting things. Please just bear with me guys. This is my last trip until August (when my life will explode into a crazy amount of conferences, both legit for work and of the Science Fiction kind).

Thank you for your patience. And please forgive all typos/misspellings/errors in this post, because I'm so jet lagged I can barely see straight.

I am Loki, Part IV: The Prodigal's Brother and Me

(No spoilers to Thor this week, just spoilers to the story of the Prodigal Son. Click the appropriate link for the appropriate post, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, the story of the Prodigal Son.)

The story of the Prodigal Son is a beautiful story about us—humans—and God. It’s a story that embodies that Whitecloak saying, “No one is so far in the dark they can’t see the light.” There is nothing you can do that the Father won’t welcome you home with open arms. 

And I understand this. I understand what this story is about. Inheritance. Coming home. Self-righteousness. Bitterness. How God can be with all of us, love all of us, those of us who wander and those of us who stay. 

But people who identify with the prodigal really love this story, and they really love to take this story and pull it out, to read between the lines. They love to say things like, “Oh! Oh! Verse 20 says while the son was far away the father saw him! That means the father was watching for him, waiting at the window for him! Look how much the father cares!” 

And it’s stuff like this that drives me insane. 

Because for those of us who identify with the other brother, for those of us who have experienced the prodigal son story in our earthly families, this sort of thing causes us—or at least me—to get riled and start to defend the older brother. 

Because if you can read between the lines and make stuff up that’s clearly not written there, so can I. 

So if the father was always standing at the window, watching for the younger brother, that means he was neglecting the elder. 

And I know what it’s like to sit at the dinner table and listen to your parents talk non-stop of the prodigal son, worrying about him, wondering what he’s doing, trying to figure out when he might call, how they might get in touch with him, while you sit there quietly. Sure it’s selfish to want the conversation to turn to you and how school’s going these days, but when it’s every dinner. Every meal. When every time your parents call you they only want to talk about the prodigal and how much they worry…when you call your parents one time in tears over something traumatic in your young life and they drop your call because the prodigal calls through to tell them something mundane…It’s hard. And it’s really easy to grow bitter. It’s really easy to resent. 

Because when the father is always staring out the window, it means he’s ignoring you. 

Some like to say, “Well, if the older son was a really good son, he would be at the window with the father. Look how far away the son was from the father! In the fields! They weren’t even on the same page.” 

To which I always respond, “My life should stop because my sibling went prodigal? My life should be put on hold for them?” As for the elder son being in the fields, if the father is spending all of his time staring out the window wondering, who’s keeping the family business running? Methinks it’s the elder child, who is in those fields working to keep everything going, because the father is neglecting his business. 

Now, I understand that this is not really a fair analysis of the story. Because in the father in the story is God, and God is all omniscient and omnipresent and can be with all of us all at the same time. He can be looking out the window for the Prodigal and in the fields with the elder son. 

But when the prodigals of the world stretch the story and pull into the reveal the holes in the metaphor, it makes me go crazy. Because they don’t know what it’s like. They don’t know how hard it is, to be put on hold while you’re crying, to have every conversation with your parents turn to someone else. To have every moment of your life feel secondary to someone else—someone who essentially ran away from the family. 

And you’re just the good kid, the ignored kid.

I think it was Victor Hugo who once said something like parents often love best the child who gives them the most trouble. (Of course he said it far more eloquently). And for those of us who give the least trouble…that’s a very disturbing thought. 

So for years I’ve really struggled with this story. Debates on this topic have reduced me to tears, because no one understands. I feel like 90% of the world identifies with the prodigal son and those who don’t are like “I got over that years ago” but with no real advice on how to do so. 

Leaving me floating alone with serious older brother syndrome in family. With growing resentment and bitterness towards my other siblings. Because even though this story isn't about earthly families per say, I still know that this bitterness and resentment building in me towards my earthly family is not good. But I feel so justified in my feelings. I'm not asking for much. Just a little attention. Just a little equal treatment. And it's hard not to desire that. But it's merely a Sisyphean Ambition leading me on a path to the Dark Side.

So how did watching the movie Thor give me a personal revelation? More on that on Thursday.

Click here for Part V: Loki and the Other Son.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

(I didn't want to post the entire prodigal son story into today's main post, so I decided to post it in this post for your easy convenience. So here it is. The Parable of the Prodigal Son. Break-ups between versus are my own.)

Luke 15:11-32 (English Standard Version)

(11) And he said, "There was a man who had two sons. (12) And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.' And he divided his property between them.

(13) "Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. (14) And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. (15) So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. (16) And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.

(17) "But when he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! (18) I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. (19) I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants."' (20) And he arose and came to his father.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. (21) And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'

(22) "But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. (23) And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. (24) For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate.

(25) "Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. (26) And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. (27) And he said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.'

(28) But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, (29) but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never game me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. (30) But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!'

(31) "And he said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. (32) It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.'"

Click here for the next installment of "I Am Loki, Part IV: The Prodigal's Brother and Me".

Sigh

So I totally lied. Work went way late and I have a headache, so I can't do this post justice. Next week. I'll post like regular next week (because for once I'm going to write all my posts in advance!).

But if you really need to read something written by me just head over to my book review blog and read a couple reviews. 

I promise I'll be back next week.

Late Post Today

I WILL POST TODAY!

I know I've been very flaky in the past, but I promise you there will be a post today. I just forgot to write it in advance, so I'll have to write it up after work today. Luckily for me, it's a post I've been thinking about for a while now with this whole Loki series, so it shouldn't take me too long. But I do live in mountain time, so it might seem really late to those of you on the eastern side of the world. I apologize, but I don't get off work until like six-thirty eastern time, (which of course is a nice early four-thirty my time).

Anyway, today I will talk about the prodigal son story, something I don't often do because I have really strong feelings about it. But these strong feelings have been put into perspective by me watching the movie Thor. So look forward to it. :)