The major feedback from Monday was "need more plot" but "love the last line" (which I do too!). So here is my second attempt at the query. What do you guys think? Too much? Not enough? Would you read it?
So keeping in mind Krista's reminder about needing to establish character, conflict, and stakes in a query, what do you guys think of the following:
So keeping in mind Krista's reminder about needing to establish character, conflict, and stakes in a query, what do you guys think of the following:
OK! So due to mid-day feedback, TAKE THREE!
Chris Chappell is doomed to life as a Norm--a normal 17-year-old, that is--until his wizard father develops an amulet that grants even the most un-magical of people wizard powers. After years of being the family pariah, as the only Norm in the Chappell family, Chris has the power he always wanted and his father is finally proud of him.
Officially a wizard, Chris is eligible to attend Southeast Paranormal High School with his siblings and best friend. At Para High, popularity and power are intrinsically linked, and after Chris saves his classmates from attack by a vicious spirit, he takes his place as the most popular student at the school.
However, not everyone is impressed with Chris's limitless powers. The beautiful, MIT bound Marilla rebuffs all of Chris's attempts at friendship. Being scientifically minded, Marilla is naturally suspicious of people who rely on magic to get them everything, but as she gets to know Chris, she finds her defenses weakening.
When his best friend, Jeremy, discovers Chris's powers are unnatural, Jeremy demands that Chris give up the amulet, which is a threat to both Norm and Para kind. But Chris will not go back to the way life was before: being a reject in his own family and a second-class citizen. And now he's the most powerful wizard to ever live--powerful enough to tweak the minds of those who confront him.
After all, what's a little mind control between friends?
THE DESCENT OF CHRIS CHAPPELL is an 81,000 word YA paranormal fantasy told from the viewpoints of both Chris and Marilla.
Chris Chappell is doomed to life as a Norm--a normal 17-year-old, that is--until his wizard father develops an amulet that grants even the most un-magical of people wizard powers. After years of being the family pariah, as the only Norm in the Chappell family, Chris has the power he always wanted and his father is finally proud of him.
Officially a wizard, Chris is eligible to attend Southeast Paranormal High School with his siblings and best friend. At Para High, popularity and power are intrinsically linked, and after Chris saves his classmates from attack by a vicious spirit, he takes his place as the most popular student at the school.
However, not everyone is impressed with Chris's limitless powers. The beautiful, MIT bound Marilla rebuffs all of Chris's attempts at friendship. Being scientifically minded, Marilla is naturally suspicious of people who rely on magic to get them everything, but as she gets to know Chris, she finds her defenses weakening.
When his best friend, Jeremy, discovers Chris's powers are unnatural, Jeremy demands that Chris give up the amulet, which is a threat to both Norm and Para kind. But Chris will not go back to the way life was before: being a reject in his own family and a second-class citizen. And now he's the most powerful wizard to ever live--powerful enough to tweak the minds of those who confront him.
After all, what's a little mind control between friends?
THE DESCENT OF CHRIS CHAPPELL is an 81,000 word YA paranormal fantasy told from the viewpoints of both Chris and Marilla.
So...better?
I'm honestly not sure what I think about this, or even if I like it more or less than the first version. (Hence my lack of feedback last time.)
ReplyDeleteI think something is rubbing me the wrong way with the types of details being given. I think I could probably do better at critiquing this in conversation... Maybe a phone call?
Quick note: "...and after Chris saves his classmates from an attack by a viscous spirit..."
Did you mean "vicious" rather than "viscous"? I don't recall the spirit having properties of a slow-moving, thick liquid. ;)
Vicious changed! Also changed a few other little things based on feedback from friends on facebook.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to call me tonight, Michael. :)
Overall, I think it getting close to awesomeness. I have a clear feel for the Chris, his conflict, and what is at stake. I'll send you an email with nit-picky grammar things.
ReplyDeleteThe only big thing it needs is more about Marilla. She only has one line in the query letter, so it is surprising when she turns out to be the other viewpoint character. Based on my scanning of the first draft, I assumed it was Jeremy.
It should only take a couple of sentences, but give us an idea about Marilla's conflict with Chris and what is at stake for her.
I like this one better. It gives us a better sense of how the story unfolds, and I like how you kept that last line.
ReplyDeleteI agreed with Tracy's feedback that you needed to make Marilla more prominent, since you mentioned she was one of the POV characters, but I thought the last bit of that paragraph ("but as she gets to know Chris...") fizzled a little. In fact, it made me wonder if you even need to mention Marilla at all, in either the summary or the title/word count paragraph. I don't know; it's just a thought.
A few other flow things: I think you could probably cut "as the only Norm in the Chappell family," since we can infer what it means that he's the family pariah. Also, I wanted "a second-class citizen" to be something a little more memorable, like "a second-class wizard" or something.
Good luck, Mandy!
P.S. Michael may be on to something there. Maybe you want to make that spirit a viscous rather than a vicious one:)
I really like this one better! I'm glad you added a little more about Marilla, she came out of the blue on the first one. I don't have anything to add that's not mentioned above.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very good query! It has definitely stepped into the tardis and is now rocketing toward that stellar place where all astronomically awesome queries go to stay.
ReplyDeleteI agree with ditching the "second-class citizen" bit in favor of something more relevant as well as memorable. When I think of how Chris might describe himself, my mind immediately travels to the teen-speak galaxy,like " being a reject in his own family and an all-around loser." I don't think he would be overly concerned with being a good citizen. I AM curious to know more about Marilla, especially since the story is also told from her POV. So what's your damage, Marilla? :) Excellent work! Keep it up!
Thanks everyone for your awesome comments! I'm working on the Marilla paragraph problem. Marilla has always been more difficult for me to write than Chris and summarizing her "damage" down into one paragraph isn't easy for me. I don't want to put too much information into the query and overload the reader. However, I also don't want to leave her out because then someone might think there isn't a love subplot.
ReplyDeleteOh, Marilla. Why do you vex me?
Also, just a warning, I probably won't post today. Because I'm a slacker. Alas.
(And Anon, love the Doctor Who analogy. I like the imagery of my query rocketing off in a TARDIS. :) )
It's YA--we'll assume there's a romantic subplot:) But I can understand not wanting to expunge a POV character.
ReplyDeleteWhy is Marilla's point-of-view so vital to the story? If you work that information into the query somehow (or at least give us a sense of whatever the answer is), it might help you bridge the gap between Chris's perspective and Marilla's. But once again, that's just a thought!