I am a writer and an engineer, which means explaining myself verbally isn’t exactly my forte. I have a hard time saying what I mean and truly getting across what I feel in spoken words. Written words on the other hand simply flow from my fingers. I’m not even kidding. When I imagine a scene in one my stories or dream about an event in my life, it’s not real in my mind until I describe it in prose. I can’t imagine a person named James reaching up to grab a jar of peanut butter without thinking, “Wishing he was taller, James stretched to hand out to grab the peanut better his brother had shoved towards the back of the shelf.”
What does this have to do with confessions and why my blog is anonymous, you ask? Easy. I have a hard time getting people to understand what I’m feeling when I’m just saying it and something is not real to me until I write it down.
Part of what I want do in this blog is admit real life problems I have, whether it’s desperately searching for an agent, trying not to snap off the head of every guy at work who treats me like the girl, or figuring out my relationship with God. Part of what the latter looks like is admitting to myself where I’m failing, what I’m doing wrong, and what I really struggle with. I can say things to myself like “I struggle with endless forgiveness; can God really mean 70X70?” but it’s not real to me until I write it down. Hence in this blog I will be writing it down. (Yes, you can expect an article on forgiveness in the future). Just so you know, when I write about a topic I seriously struggle with, it will be titled something like “A Confession: Forgiveness”.
The reason why this blog is sort of anonymous for now is because of this whole confessions thing.
But it’s not really anonymous, you say. Anyone who knows me can clearly discover it’s me by reading. What other girl at Georgia Tech really likes musicals and Stargate? This is true. Any of my friends who read this will instantly know it’s me. But it’s not my friends reading this that concerns me. It’s my family.
I love my family. I really do. You have no idea how much my family means to me. This is why I have so many things I struggle with that are deeply rooted in my family. I don’t want anyone in my family to get hurt. This blog is for me to sort out my feelings about things, not to send a grocery list of all the things I hate or struggle with to my family. Right now the way the blog is, if my parents search my name in Google, they won’t find this blog. I have little worry of any of them finding it accidentally while searching blogspot because neither my parents nor siblings read blogs. (My little sister holds them in a state of high contempt in fact).
This blog is not about anonymously hating on anyone or anything. If you know me and read this blog, it clearly screams me. It’s about not hurting people who would take things personally. It’s about discussing my feelings without causing my mom to break down into tears.
So that’s why this blog is the way it is. Maybe one day I’ll put my name actually on it, but for now, you can just call me Bittersweet.
Unless, of course, you know me personally. Then you can call me Sweetie. :)