I recently finished the third and (fingers crossed) final revision of my current WIP, formerly referred to as THE DESCENT OF CHRIS CHAPPELL. But after a couple of contests and talking to my awesome CPs, I've come to the conclusion that my old query emphasized the wrong things. So I revised it--hopefully changing the emphasis, and now I would like, you my dear readers, to provide your awesome and invaluable feedback.
So what exactly about the old query didn't I like? Well the big ones were the entire second paragraph, which I thought put too much emphasis on Para School--which is actually only a small part of my novel, and the fact it didn't even mention Marilla, my secondary viewpoint character. The other thing is I felt my query needed to make it more clear earlier that this is not your average hero comes of age story. It's a villain origin story.
Recently a CP of mine suggested a new name, so I'm trying something new. Definitely let me know what you think of the new title as compared to the old and you know, if you have any title suggestions, feel free to suggest them. :)
MIND TRICK, a contemporary fantasy complete at 81,000 words, is a villain origin story. It will appeal to fans of sympathetic villains like the Phantom of the Opera and Marvel’s Loki.
Chris Chappell is doomed to life as a Norm--a normal 17-year-old, that is--until his wizard father develops an amulet that grants even the most un-magical of people wizard powers. After years of being the family pariah and a second-class citizen in Para society, Chris has the power he always wanted and his father is finally proud of him.
But the amulet awakens a dark side in Chris—a desperate, ruthless need to keep his powers, no matter the consequences. When his best friend Jeremy discovers the illegal source of Chris’s abilities, Chris breaks Para Law and uses magic to alter Jeremy’s memory. No big deal… until the next time it happens. Before Chris knows it, he’s using mind control on not only Jeremy, but his siblings and even his own mother.
Chris’s girlfriend Marilla, a brilliant wizard who refuses to use her magical powers, stands as the only person between Chris and his darkest nature. Despite numerous warnings from multiples sources, she only sees the good in Chris. But when Jeremy has a magically-induced psychotic break, Marilla must break her own familial expectations and use magic to stop her boyfriend. But when fighting magic with magic, the strongest always wins. And Chris’s amulet makes him the most powerful wizard to ever live.
MIND TRICK is told from the viewpoints of Chris and Marilla. It is a standalone with series potential.
So...what do you guys think? Questions, comments, feelings or concerns?