(Note To My Regular Readers)
(Also link to my Bouncer Round 4 entry here)
OMG, YOU GUYS! I GOT IN THROUGH MY BOUNCER ROUND! Commence happy dance!
Title: THE DESCENT OF CHRIS CHAPPELL
Genre: YA Paranormal Fantasy
Word Count: 81,000
Setup: Seventeen-year-old Chris is on his second date with Marilla. He's wanted to kiss her before, but since this is the first time either has dated (and would be both of their first kiss) he's been agonizing over "the perfect moment."
After dinner we go to see a new science fiction movie that Marilla is really excited about. It’s so nice to be with a girl who gets excited by Star Wars and science fiction instead of chick flicks.
During the movie, we put up the armrest between us, and I put my arm around Marilla’s shoulder. She leans into my side, and it’s like she was always meant to be there. We’re two puzzle pieces that just fit together.
She whispers comments to me all throughout the movie. Some might find that annoying but her comments are clever and smart. I find myself laughing when no one else is because of something she said.
After the movie we walk through Atlantic Station, my arm still around her shoulders. We go back out to the Christmas Tree, where fake snow floats to the ground. It’s just soap bubbles, but Marilla giggles and twirls around in it like it’s the real stuff.
“This is closer to snow than anything we get in Orlando,” she laughs. I smile at her as she twirls faster and faster. She stops and loses her balance, falling forward. I catch her in my arms, and she laughs. She pulls back just enough to look up at me with a smile, her eyes glittering. I want to lean down and kiss her.
I hesitate. It just doesn’t seem right. Instead, I gently push her back, so she’s standing on her own two feet.
Marilla’s smile slides off of her face, and she looks up at me seriously. Then to my surprise, she grabs the front of my jacket, pulls me down towards her, and kisses me.
Her lips are soft and sweet. It’s my first kiss and a part of me worried I wouldn’t know what to do. But I find myself responding instinctually. I move my arms around her and pull her close, pressing her against me. She’s so soft and hard in all the right places.
She’s perfect.
I love that she grabs him and kisses him. She sounds like an awesome female character! Good luck in the contest!
ReplyDeleteLeslie (#50)
i'm really loving the moments in the movie theater, where i can feel how and why he likes her. her clever comments, the closeness of the whispers (which could have a tantalizing description), his laughing in the wrong places. these things seem intimate. i almost want to hang out there a little while longer and build to the kiss, so by the time there are lips involved i want to scream "do it!" when i'm reading, i want to be dying for it before it happens. that way, it's all the better.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was super sweet, and I love that when he chickened out she went for it. There aren't enough kisses like that! But then, I totally wouldn't have been brave enough to do that in high school. Guess that's why I love characters who will. I'd definitely keep reading. Great job!
ReplyDeleteLove that he's the one obsessing over the kiss and she's the one who has to make him do it!
ReplyDeleteI almost wanted the scene to linger longer in the movie theater and/or the walk home. They sound like such sweet moments and we only get a small taste!
I love the innocence in this scene! Great job!
ReplyDeleteJessica (#42)
I love, love, love this! To feel Chris's confidence slowly build as the date progresses and then flutter away right when he needed it most, only to have the uber-awesome Marilla take matters into her own hands...THIS IS FANTABULOUS! Totally swoon-worthy!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
I gotta tell you, at first I thought the narration dry and choppy, but as I continued to read I fell into the flow and got a strong sense of his character from the way he phrased his observations. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE LOVE LOVE how she realizes he isn't going to kiss her and refuses to let the perfect moment slip by taking charge. Only thing I might change is the line "It's my first kiss and I worried..." of course, this might be the perfect thought for his character, but it didn't ring true to me in the moment.
Other than that, awesome work! I'd say this one should get the Sugarlips award for sweetest kiss!
Melonie (#29) Mwah!
I loved this -- the tentative closeness in the movie theater, the walk in the 'snow', the boy's hesitation about whether it's the perfect moment, and MOSTLY the way Marilla puts him out of his misery by taking charge. The only thing I might suggest is that since it's a first kiss for both, what if it's not quite so perfect? Maybe they bump noses or chins, scrape teeth, or have to figure out where lips go? This is such a sweet couple, I can't hope wishing for happily ever after, or at least happily-until-prom.
ReplyDelete--Barb (#38)
Kissing "expert" here. Such a cute scene! Love that they are both clueless. :) And I love that she grabs him.
ReplyDeleteMost lovable characters: Cutest Couple Award
This is such a sweet scene. I'm happy you won Cutest Couple! I think that there could be some smoothing out of a few sentences, removing a word or two to enhance the rhythm but aside from that, this is a wonderful scene! :)
ReplyDeleteJennie (#49)
I like how happy her being into sci-fi makes him and how he agonizes over their first kiss. And of course how she takes charge. In the line about the armrest, I suggest switching to "push" or some other word since you already use "put" in that sentence. All in all, very sweet. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLaura, Kiss #33, BSD #112
Like most of the other commenters said, this scene is just so dang cute. I like Marilla because she moves in for the kiss when he chickens out. Her actions make me understand why he likes her so much and that makes the scene all the more adorable.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
-Amber (#41)
My Kissing Scene
Love the girl taking the initiative! My fav line: She’s so soft and hard in all the right places.
ReplyDelete-Entry #12, http://www.shannonwixom.com/blog.html
Like others, I love that she grabs and kisses him. Very cute scene!
ReplyDeleteLarissa (#47)