"No Inorganic Metals"

A few weeks ago I went on a business trip to Boulder, CO. (*Pause.* That's right. I just said I went on a business trip. I'm like a real person now! Woohoo! *Resume.*) While we were there, we were provided with locally bottled water. Now, in many ways this water was like any other bottled water: funny tasting and expensive. However, the label for this water made me do a double take. This bottle of water listed the reasons why this water was awesome:

• 100% Natural Glacier Fed Alpine Springwater
• Naturally Highly Oxygenated
• Neutral pH
• Helps your body flush toxins
• High in natural vitality
• Aids absorption of nutrients within cells
• No Inorganic Metals

Now, there are many things wrong with this label, but the one that immediately struck me was the last one. "No Inorganic Metals."

Wait? What?

No Inorganic Metals? What does that mean? What does that even begin to mean?

Some of you reading this may be confused. You're not engineers or chemists, and high school chemistry was a long time ago (or hasn't happened yet), so I understand that you might be baffled by why this statement baffles me. So let me provide the definition of inorganic as provided by dictionary.com:

1. not having the structure or organization characteristic of living bodies.
2. not characterized by vital processes
3. Chemistry. noting or pertaining to compound that are not hydrocarbons or their derivatives.

Let's treat those three definitions like a checklist. Are metals inorganic? Well do they have the structure or organization characteristic of living bodies? Umm, no, last I checked metals didn't. Because they're not alive. Are metals characterized by vital processes? Once again, no. They're not alive. Do metals involve hydrocarbons or their derivatives? Well, then they wouldn't be metals. So yes, metals are indeed inorganic.

Then what does it mean? Contains no inorganic metals? There is NO SUCH THING as an organic metal. Metals are by definition inorganic. Does that mean the bottle is simply saying it contains no metals? Because it can't mean anything else. Why not then just say it contains no metals? Why add all this confusion?

The answer to that is most people have no idea what the words inorganic and organic mean. That's why someone can say they just bought "organic milk." Listen to me, friends. There is no possible way to make milk inorganic. Even if you make it in a lab and a cow is not involved at all, it's still organic. It still contains hydrocarbons. Organic does not mean natural. Inorganic does not mean unnatural. Metals are very natural. And they're very inorganic.

But then again this water was also "high in natural vitality." Consider that vitality means:

1. exuberant physical strength or mental vigor
2. capacity for survival or for the continuation of a meaningful or purposeful existence
3. power to live or grow

I'm very concerned by this water. I don't ever want to drink water that is high in natural vitality. I'm pretty sure that means my water is alive.

So combining those two points alone, possibly means the water contains living metals.

Run away, humanity. Destroy this water whenever you can. I'm pretty sure its alien life that is going to take over the world. Living metals have to be extraterrestrial. They don't exist on earth. So basically, run*.

*Yes, that's a Doctor Who quote. I'm a nerd. I can't help myself. But if there are living metals in that water, then we need the Doctor to come help us. Humanity is in peril.