Thursday, February 4, 2010

Why Baptists Don't Dance or Drink

A long time ago in a small American town not that far from your own, there were three churches: a Methodist Church, A Presbyterian Church, and a Catholics Church. The congregations lived in harmony, enjoying community and fellowship without allowing their doctrinal differences to interfere.

They held dances in which all the members would exuberantly praise God. They held dinner parties where people sipped wine, remembering Jesus' miracle with the drink. All was right and good in the town.

Then one day, a Baptist Church opened its doors.

The other three churches had no prejudice against this new member of their Christian fraternity. They invited the new denomination to a prty to welcome them. As usual, the party involved dancing.

The Baptists arrived to the party bearing casseroles and crock pot stews, but the other denominations overlooked the oddity (and carefully did not try the mystery casserole). Then the fiddler began to strike up a tune and the people of God began to dance.

At first, everything seemed normal. Some people danced better than others, but in general all seemed to be going well. Until the three original churches saw their Baptist brethren get on the dance floor.

The Baptists danced exuberantly, meaningfully. They meant to glorify God with their dancing, and it can not be doubted that God saw their good intentions. However, what the Methodists, Presbyterians, and Catholics saw was the most awful dancing ever. Children cried at the sight of the awful performance. Elders ran for cover, trying not to be hit by awkwardly moving limbs or stepped on by ill timed steps. In general, there was weeping and gnashing of teeth by everyone except the Baptists, who thought all was good.

As usual, alcoholic beverages were offered at that party. As the Baptists drank (as little as it may have been), their dancing got worse. The others had not thought it was possible. Some wished they were blind rather than witness the horrible spectacle.

So the next day, after everyone had sufficiently recovered the heads of each church except the Baptist Church met in private.

"That was the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed," the Methodist pastor turned pale as he remembered the spectacle.

"It cannot be allowed to happen again," the Catholic priest agreed. "But I do not know how we can stop it without stopping our own parties. We don't want to make the Baptists feel as if they are not part of our brethren. We don't want them to feel slighted when we don't invite them to our parties."

"Unless we make them think it was their idea," the Presbyterian preacher said. "The Baptist pastor seems a decent fellow and I have a plan." The other two listened in silence as the man explained.

Later that day the three went to the Baptist pastor. They explained what weeping and gnashing of teeth the dancing and drinking had caused among the other denominations and how they did not want to hurt the feelings of the Baptist. Then the Presbyterian preacher explained his idea.

"You should convince your denomination that dancing and drinking are wrong," the Presbyterian said.

"They won't like the drinking idea," the Baptist pastor pointed out.

"Yes, but if they drink they'll dance and we can't handle that," the Catholic priest pleaded.

"And we can Biblically support the no dancing or drinking," the Methodist preacher explained eagerly. "You can talk about the temptation, and how dancing leads to other things, and drinking leads to drunkenness. It's not wrong, just a little more strict."

The Baptist preacher was dubious, but eventually he was made to see the light. The next Sunday and subsequent Sunday's afterward, he preached about the tempations that lay in dancing and drinking. Slowly, the Baptist congregation began to decline invitations to the others dance parties. Or they accepted and brought the food, but did not dance.

The other congregations were filled with relief. No more would there be weeping and gnashing of teeth. All would be right in the world.

So remember, my fellow Baptists out there, there is a reason why the original Baptists forbade us from dancing and drinking. It was imposed upon us, because our dancing was so horrible.

[This idea came upon me after attending several Baptist dances. No one got on the dance floor until after the electric slide was played and I have never seen so many people - including myself - mess up the electric slide. Good times]


  1. I don't understand why do religions try to prohibit people to do want they really want to do in my opinion it is an absurd way to manipulate them, Generic Viagra Buy Viagra

  2. Ugh! I wish this was not the first site to be listed on google when I asked why baptists don't dance!

  3. Wow thank you for writing this.

  4. Baptists don't have sex standing up because they don't want people to think they're dancing... I remember at church as a kid, Pastor Toms spotted a couple doing what looked like dancing and said, "Hey, you two, stop that danci....., Oh, nevermind, they're not dancing, they’re fucking...." Slightly embarrassed, he continued, "It looked like they were dancing for a second there, but they're just fuckin'... so, that's cool.... I thought they were doing a Cha Cha, but it was only a Reverse Polish Unicycle, so all is fine with the Lord."

  5. Not impressed we Baptist here in Nigeria 🇳🇬 we dance

  6. Well I just waisted 20 minutes of my time. Needs to start out with the statement that this is your imaginary belief not the real reason is forbade. Way to lead people astray who are looking for actual answers

    1. I couldn’t agree with you more!

    2. I couldn’t agree with you more!

    3. How can a person be led astray by a joke? Jesus turned water into wine, drank wine. He was a Hebrew. They dance. He danced.

    4. It took you 20 minutes to read that?

  7. This has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Pardon the ad hominem, but if you had actually wrote something whimsical, I would chuckle too; but alas your churlish writing style leaves something to be desired. Don’t quit your day job!

    1. It was a joke lol....not a thesis. Jesus probably laughed at it..then danced for joy.