tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6754252351102501745.post5895905215937589083..comments2024-01-31T04:24:58.954-05:00Comments on A Bittersweet Fountain: Query Help!!Mandy P.S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/02453249544598951624noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6754252351102501745.post-91116977106400031412012-11-27T13:11:56.262-05:002012-11-27T13:11:56.262-05:00Thanks, Sarah! I'm working on a second rev wit...Thanks, Sarah! I'm working on a second rev with a few more plot points, it's just I love that last line too! So I don't want to go too far into the plot so I can keep it you know? lol. Mandy P.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02453249544598951624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6754252351102501745.post-84320462637124134192012-11-27T11:20:10.746-05:002012-11-27T11:20:10.746-05:00I agree with Krista a few more plot details would ...I agree with Krista a few more plot details would draw the reader into the story. Maybe give an example of the amulet's power and how it's changing Chris and let me deduce the danger instead of saying it outright. That gets me invested in the story. The last line is great! It definitely sounds like a story I'd like to read.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13064709357818810014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6754252351102501745.post-84863608431511636092012-11-26T18:53:34.780-05:002012-11-26T18:53:34.780-05:00Thanks, Krista!Thanks, Krista!Mandy P.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02453249544598951624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6754252351102501745.post-47378226190404412802012-11-26T16:48:16.286-05:002012-11-26T16:48:16.286-05:00There are a thousand ways to write a query, but ev...There are a thousand ways to write a query, but every query has to showcase three things: character, conflict, and stakes. A few thoughts on each.<br /><br />Character: You've done a good job giving us a sense of Chris's character (I especially liked the juxtaposition of a normal kid wanting to be something more, since so many amazing YA protagonists are always lamenting the fact that they're not normal), but I think you could push it even further. I wanted to get more of a sense of what Chris's life as a Norm is like and what he thinks about it. Saying that he's "doomed" to being normal gives us a clue, but I think a few more specific details would sharpen Chris's characterization and also give us a better sense of the world. (Also, if you keep the description "a normal American 17-year-old that is," you'll want to add a comma after "17-year-old" and probably delete "American," since we can assume his nationality.)<br /><br />Conflict: Here again, you've given us a good sense of the conflict, but I wanted more specifics. I think the second paragraph focuses too much on philosophizing and not enough on plot points. Once he gets his hands on the amulet, what happens? You could reveal this inner conflict through the things that happen to Chris. I mean, it's not like he sets out to become an evil sorcerer, so what events lead him down that path? You don't have to spell everything out, of course, but I'd like to get a better sense of how the story unfolds, how this event leads to that one, which leads to that one, which leads to that one.<br /><br />Stakes: I LOVE the last line of the query, but it did leave me wondering what exactly Chris wants his friends to do and, more importantly, WHY. I got the feeling that the stakes in this story were more intimate, more personal--they're not trying to, say, prevent the political and ecological collapse of the planet Zoron--but what are they trying to do? Prevent Chris's descent into tyrannical madness? If you reveal a few more plot points, I think the stakes will be clearer, too, but just make sure we know exactly what's on the line.<br /><br />Hope that helps!Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.com